Dreams

I have been having the most terrifying and vivid dreams lately... So I decided to keep a log of them so after the pregnancy I can look back and decipher them.

Three nights ago, Friday...
-I somehow got caught up in the mafia. All I remember is there was a wife of one of the mobsters didn't like me. So she hired a doctor to abort my baby. I went in to have a sonogram done and I looked down to see what he was doing... All I felt was a kind of tearing inside of me and I saw him pull this long plastic thing out. I instantly knew what had happened. I didn't even have time to grieve or cry... I had it in my mind that I was going to find this bitch and kill her. I didn't even care if I ended up dying.
-I don't remember, unfortunately, if I did actually get to kill her. The last part of the dream was even worse than the beginning though. The mobster, whos wife I wanted to kill, found out who I was and tricked me into going to this hallway with a few other people. Once at the end of the hallway the door we were supposed to go through was locked. I immediately knew what was about to go down. Bullets let loose behind us and whizzed past us. The guy right beside me was shot three or four times. I could feel people around me dropping to the ground in agony. I knew it was only a matter of time until my human shields were heaped on the floor around me. I crouched to the ground against the locked door with my hands over my head. Then it happened. A loud crack right next to my ear, then all I could hear was blood pouring out of my head like a small stream. Then I woke up. Terrible right?!

Two nights ago, Saturday, I had a very long dream with many symbols.
-The begining of the dream, I was with two friends, Michelle Winkopp and Jolene Leaver. We were driving around trying to find another friends house (Michelle Ghahary) who just moved. Well, in order to get to her house, we had to go up this really really steep road, almost as steep as a wall! Then when we left, we had to go back down the same road and I was so scared the breaks were going to go out.
-The next part of the dream all of our closest friends down here, Brandon and I headed up to Akron, Ohio to see my family. I don't think we had to drive very far though. When we got to where my family was supposed to be, all the houses looked different and I didn't know which one was the right one. [The entire part of this dream we were all wading through crystal clear waist deep water.] I ended up having to go up to houses and peek through the windows to see if I could find my family. I finally saw my grandpa (we all call him Opa) and he smiled and motioned for me to come in. I was so happy to see him! I didn't expect to see him because he has been so ill lately. So, now that I found my family I motioned to all of our fiends behind us to come to the house. I turned back around to see my family opening a sliding glass door and start filing into the surrounding water. They looked very upset. All my dad and Opa kept saying was how disappointed they were in me. I began to cry and looked back at my friends for support but they were leaving!!! Even Brandon! So I told everybody to go fuck themselves (friends and family included) and walked away to cry by myself and hold my huge tummy.

Last night, Sunday...
-I think deep in my dreams I have a fear of becoming one of those mothers who has the baby and then drops them on family to raise. Then realizing my mistake I try to make it up to the baby by breast feeding and (s)he wont take. I feel horrible. What kind of person just abandons their own flesh and blood, literally.
-Last night I had a dream that I went to my sister Tina and brother David's grandmother (Butch)'s house on their dad's side. (Sorry if that is confusing. We have different dads.) Anyways, I went there and realized that Butch was taking care of this little baby boy. I immediately knew it was my baby. I started to cry when I realized what I had done. He had been there for the past three days. I quickly gathered him and all of his things and went to my moms.
-A couple days later I returned to my moms to find out I DID IT AGAIN! I asked my mom what she had been feeding him since I wasn't there to breast feed. She said she gave him a little bit of macaroni and cheese and water. I then cried and asked if she thought he would breast feed if I tried. She shook her head and looked down. "I don't think so Dawn." I cried even harder. "NO!" I said. "This can not be happening! I want to be a good mother. Why can I not get my shit together?!" I scooped up my little boy and rushed upstairs to see if he would feed. I woke up before I ever found out.
-I immediately feel asleep and into the same dream but this time my mom and I were heading to a friends house. Once we got there I started unpacking all the baby things from the car. Then I realized we forgot the baby at home! The worst part is, we drove about an hour to get to our friends. That means, even if we left right now, my baby would have been left alone for two hours! I REALLY started to lose it. I was in hysterics. But I was also rash enough to think, 'If I call the police and ask them to break into the house, then they won't give him back to me.' I mean, would you?

I actually think this last dream is about how I am scared of turning into my sister. She has two children right now that my mom takes care of and has custody of.